Summer, Kind of Needing It

The end of the year is here and I thank God for it. I need it so badly. I am supposed to be studying for a biology test and my psychology final tomorrow but I can't really focus. I can never focus when I really need to. That's what I don't like about me. I procrastinate until the very last second.

This year has been a mix of mess and fortune. Brandon left and came back, I stayed and stayed. I sort of gained my independence when he was gone for a semester. I missed him a lot and we talked like every day but I kinda liked not comparing myself to anyone for a while. I was glad he came back because he is happier and I had a friend at NCTC but now he's going to UNT in the fall and I am looking forward to my independence. I want to better identify myself as myself and not just Brandon's best friend. That's how I see myself for some reason. I think it's an insecurity thing; comparing yourself to someone else and seeing yourself as an extension of that person and not as your own self. Does that make sense? I think it does. Basically, I want to find myself.

Next semester I have to work harder. No distractions unless it's a boy who is into me. That is a reasonable distraction I can work with, CFC I'm talking to you. I have to work my butt of if I want to get out of the suburbs and that's what I want to do. I need to focus on me. Better self esteem, better study habits, better clothing, better everything. I don't want to wait around anymore, I'm gonna make it happen. Whatever it is.

Thatcher