I'm not done!

(please note Thatcher and Claire that this post has nothing to with you or our friendships!)

There's not really anything to do and just write down what I'm feeling. I guess it's all just hormonal but I think it's taking a bigger toll than normal. Maybe it's the Yaz? I don't know. Anyways, all my friends are annoying the crap out of me lately and I don't know why. I think I'm ready to be away for awhile. Let's see...what else is wrong? I'll just make a list:

1. I feel....unappreciated? I know it's probably not true but it feels like everyone is coming to me with their problems but no one is willing to ask me about my own. No one seems to get that I'm terrified for my grandmother. I know she'll be okay but I don't know what I would do without her. Speaking of family, I don't feel like I relate to him at all. I don't speak to my mom. My dad and I have a sugar coated relationship. My brother and I have completely different priorities and our judgments are on completely different planes. I don't know my sister even though I wish I did.

2. I'm alone. I know it's completely cliche to seek companionship at my age and frankly it's not necessary because I have the rest of my life to be with someone. I guess I'm just upset because I had a chance but then Taylor just kind of flaked out on me. I would say I'm more upset about the situation rather than Taylor. Taylor isn't that great. I feel....used, I guess.

3. I hate my job. I hate working in a place where I don't feel trusted because of one mistake. I am now forced to spend tons of wasted time overlooking the most minuscule details and in the end, nothing has changed from the original. It's a waste of the schools and more importantly, my time.

4. I'm tired of school. Why do I feel this way? College is suppose to be exciting and full of new opportunities and yet I'm constantly bored. I should leave my room once in a while and make more friends but I fear large groups. Damn...I'm also socially awkward and find it hard to relate to the people I'm around. Man, what is this Emily Deschanel complex lately?

5. I don't know what to do with my life. I guess that could be what's attributing to this "lost" feeling in school since I don't actually have a 100% clear plan with what I'm going to do.

6. I'm not happy with my appearance. This again, could be hormonal since this is definitely not a constant thought, but you know...maybe I should just eat healthier.

7. I feel like there is so much more I could be doing. In all aspects! I want the motivation and feel I posses it but I don't know where to focus. I find myself slipping away from friends, school, family, God and everything that I use to find important. They say you find yourself in college and realize what's important. I've never felt more lost in my entire life.

Hopefully this is just a cynical rant and in writing it, I will feel better. I don't express myself every easily, I've found. I realize I've been "moody" lately but instead of people just confronting me about it, they decide to just talk amongst themselves as soon as I leave the room. I've never been one to be around drama especially since I'm part of such small groups of friends but still...it sucks when people talk about you. Even if it's in your best interest.

But as the previous post stated, I'm excited for the weekend and hopefully all this self loathing will clear up by Monday.

Over and out.

Alex